My Toddler Started Hitting!

Tips for Dealing with Toddlers That Hit

by staff author

"Help! My toddler has started hitting everyone. I tell her to be gentle and show her how to touch softly, but it's not working. What can I do to stop her behavior?"

Children this age do not have the language skills to express their needs and wants, says Keath Castelloe Low, a child and adolescent psychologist and mother of four from North Carolina. "Often their frustration at not being able to communicate leads to hitting," she says. "Your daughter's behavior is not uncommon and you are on the right track in the way you are responding to her. Still, I know it is frustrating when her hitting occurs."

Low says it may be helpful to try to identify what triggers her frustration. Is she having trouble reaching a toy? Is she hungry? Is she tired? Does she want you to pick her up? Is she over-stimulated? Does she want an item that a friend is playing with? "If you can identify the triggers to her frustration, you can help her by verbalizing her feelings and when appropriate distracting her with another fun activity," she says.

For example, you notice your daughter wants to play with a toy that a friend is using, says Low. You verbalize her feelings: "Tracy is playing with the baby doll and you want to play with it now." "You distract her with another activity until it is her turn," she says. "'Let's play with this cuddly puppy right now and when Tracy is done with her turn, you can take a turn.' Your daughter may not understand all of what you are saying, but she will get the jest."

Low says hitting does get people's attention. "If your daughter wants the toy from her friend and you are not present to intervene, she may go over to her friend and hit her," she says. "As a result, she gets the doll. Mission accomplished."

Even at this young age your daughter is capable of understanding that hitting is not acceptable, says Low. "She may not understand the concept that hitting hurts, but she knows that when she hits she gets action and attention," she says.

When she hits, respond immediately. "Be calm, but use a firm voice," says Low. "'We do not hit.' If she is playing with a friend and hits, pick her up and remove her from the situation. Do not allow her to continue playing in that area."

"You are right that it is helpful to give your daughter an alternative for the negative behavior," says Low. "Once you remove her from the situation, continue to model the appropriate behaviors, 'soft, gentle touches.' Her hitting has become a habit, a natural impulse to her frustration. It may take some time for her to change her behaviors. Continue the approach you are on. Eventually, she will get the idea and as she grows older she will be better able to express her needs and wants verbally."

And on a final note, Low says to be sure to communicate your concerns to your daughter's daycare workers so they can reinforce the approach you are using at home.

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